It's almost midnight in Chicago and a light snow is falling on the city. I am stranded in Chicago's O'Hare airport, charging my battery and phone by some dusty old outlets while I sit on the dirty, abandoned floor. There Is not a soul in sight. The displays and TVs entertain themselves as I type this, slowly hoping for my batter to charge so I can be productive on my flight tomorrow to LA.
I was delayed from Minneapolis to Chicago, causing me to miss my connecting flight to LAX. Because of that, I'm catching the next available flight at 7:00am tomorrow from Chicago to Los Angeles. But you know, this is exactly what I needed in my life. I could definitely do without the being stranded part, but being stranded here alone has been one way that God has gotten my attention. As of late, my comfortability has been dangerously high, and I have been so unaware of it. Sitting here in Chicago has been a way of breaking me and God teaching me to truly depend on him. I realize that I've been living so unaware of God's working--instead, I've been attempting to help God out. Or I've been complacent expecting God to do all the work for me.
The last time I was legit stranded in an airport was when my brother Josh and I had to sleep overnight in JFK airport in New York in 2008. The other most recent time of being semi-stranded was in Riga, Latvia as our flight to Stockholm got delayed due to snowy weather conditions. I've slept on a lot of airport floors, but never by myself.
Tonight, I'm reminded that I'm not in this alone. It's me and God. And I'm not speaking of being stranded either, I'm speaking of life. It's a constant cycle that I go through of being broken and dependent on God, and then being cynical and self-righteous. Over the past three months or so, I see how, although not entirely so, I've become complacent and have really lacked solid faith in God. I've depended so much on myself and upon religion that It's been hard to see Jesus.
I haven't even landed in CA and I feel like God has taught me so much. It's not things I don't know, just things that I'm quick to forget. This trip, although stretching in a lot of different ways, has been very much needed to remind me that I'm not in control, God is. I would have rather a lot of events in this past week of my life not happened, but I'm seeing that , right now, they are necessary things in order for God to humble me. I've consistently seen God pouring out blessing after blessing, each more incredible than the previous, and still I question whether or not God will continue to be good to me in the future.
Oh, I am a giddy thing.
December 4, 2010
December 3, 2010
Going to LA!
December 3, 2010
I didn’t think I’d be updating this so soon. Right now I’m flying from Minneapolis to Los Angeles via Chicago. Most likely, I will miss my flight tonight connecting me to LA. In this case, I will be spending a night in one Chicago’s finest Terminals.
I’ll be honest, flying and airports bring back a lot of memories. The last time they had to de-ice my plane, I was flying from Stockholm to Vilnius, amid a frigid ice storm. The weather outside was absoslutely sub-arctic, and we were asked to walk to our place. At that point in my life, eleven months ago from tomorrow, I had no idea where I would be going and what adventures were before me and the many incredible things God would do in my life.
Now, as I make my way to California, it’s almost as if I’m coming full circle. It’s like I’m receiving closure on all of my travels and putting the last chapter in a book. I’m visiting my friends that I made in Lithuania, and just like the lesson that I learned one dark, Spring night at Emas’ house in the middle-of-nowhere Lithuania, I’m reminded that friendship has nothing to do with location, it’s about the heart.
I’m torn in my heart. I want to go and visit my friends, but at the same time, there are some things back in St. Paul that I am anxious to attend to. Why is it that sometimes the best things in life are intertwined with the hardest things? Some of the greatest people in my life lie before me and behind me, and I can’t please everyone. I feel divided in my cognition and my mind as I take one risk to show my love for my friends, and at the same time risk the distance between others that at this point need me. Or perhaps I’m just self-deceived and in reality I need them right now.
I guess it doesn’t matter.
Right now “Movie Script Ending” by Death Cab for Cutie is playing in my headphones as I write. I’m not on a highway, but I’m flying away from things and towards others. I want to be in both places, but I can’t be. Sometimes, I feel like my life is simply a highway, and I’m never actually reaching a destination, simply pulling off at various rest stops along the way. Visiting and making friends as I go, but in reality, that’s all I’m doing. Going. Going. Going.
What happened to me? How long have my wheels been turning, running countless RPMs to get me nowhere? I’m sitting alone on a plane, and for the first time in a long time, I’m realizing just how lonely I feel. Not lonely from people. Not lonely from God. Just lonely. And It comes from being afraid. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in six months. I’m afraid that instead of doing something incredible, I’ll simply keep going, going, going. Not going anywhere, just going. And I guess I’m afraid that somewhere along that road I’ll miss out on all the things God has for me because I’m too busy going and I haven’t stopped to just be. What happened to me?
But there is one more thing. It was a night just like this, about eight months ago that Will and I sat in Emas’ living room out the outskirts of Klaipeda. In the middle-of-nowhere Lithuania. As we stepped outside, there were stars everywhere. They lit up the sky! Looking outside my window on the plane, I was able to spot the Big Dipper and Orion. They never seemed so large! Right on the horizon of the sky.
Sitting on that plane, on the way to visit dear friends, looking at the stars—all of these things reminded me of some amazing memories I’ve built in the last year. On that cold, dark April night, Will and I learned that friendship isn’t something you have—it’s something you do. To be a friend means to make sacrifices and not allowing things like distance or petty problems get in the way of what’s important. That night with Will and Emas in the middle of nowhere played through my head on the plane.
Another memory played in my head from earlier this school year as a friend and I sat on the bleachers looking at the stars in early September, my mind was brought back to that night in Lithuania. As I was building a new friendship, so my mind was renewing old ones. Now, looking at the stars that fill the sky as we fly above the horizon, I’m reminded that my friendship and relationships with people do not depend on distance or location, but on intentionality and determination. Regardless of what is behind me or before me, the relationships I build are dependent upon the amount of work that I put into them. They will take some work. They will take some apologizing. I will need to do some changing. But the sacrifices and changes I make and pour into these relationships is worth it. I just need to constantly be reminded that it’s not about me.
So what happened to me? Well, I guess I’m realizing that life is only like a highway if I choose it to be that way. I am the one with my foot on the gas pedal. Being here in Chicago, stranded in the airport is one of God’s ways of giving me a flat-tire. It’s alright to slow down. It’s alright to stop. It’s even alright to get out of the car and to have an adventure. For so long I’ve been sitting around waiting for God to show up and do something instead of getting out of my box and knowing that God never stopped doing things. God’s been waiting to work and move in my life, and I’ve been sitting by passively allowing life to fly on past me. What happened to me? I got comfortable.
I didn’t think I’d be updating this so soon. Right now I’m flying from Minneapolis to Los Angeles via Chicago. Most likely, I will miss my flight tonight connecting me to LA. In this case, I will be spending a night in one Chicago’s finest Terminals.
I’ll be honest, flying and airports bring back a lot of memories. The last time they had to de-ice my plane, I was flying from Stockholm to Vilnius, amid a frigid ice storm. The weather outside was absoslutely sub-arctic, and we were asked to walk to our place. At that point in my life, eleven months ago from tomorrow, I had no idea where I would be going and what adventures were before me and the many incredible things God would do in my life.
Now, as I make my way to California, it’s almost as if I’m coming full circle. It’s like I’m receiving closure on all of my travels and putting the last chapter in a book. I’m visiting my friends that I made in Lithuania, and just like the lesson that I learned one dark, Spring night at Emas’ house in the middle-of-nowhere Lithuania, I’m reminded that friendship has nothing to do with location, it’s about the heart.
I’m torn in my heart. I want to go and visit my friends, but at the same time, there are some things back in St. Paul that I am anxious to attend to. Why is it that sometimes the best things in life are intertwined with the hardest things? Some of the greatest people in my life lie before me and behind me, and I can’t please everyone. I feel divided in my cognition and my mind as I take one risk to show my love for my friends, and at the same time risk the distance between others that at this point need me. Or perhaps I’m just self-deceived and in reality I need them right now.
I guess it doesn’t matter.
Right now “Movie Script Ending” by Death Cab for Cutie is playing in my headphones as I write. I’m not on a highway, but I’m flying away from things and towards others. I want to be in both places, but I can’t be. Sometimes, I feel like my life is simply a highway, and I’m never actually reaching a destination, simply pulling off at various rest stops along the way. Visiting and making friends as I go, but in reality, that’s all I’m doing. Going. Going. Going.
What happened to me? How long have my wheels been turning, running countless RPMs to get me nowhere? I’m sitting alone on a plane, and for the first time in a long time, I’m realizing just how lonely I feel. Not lonely from people. Not lonely from God. Just lonely. And It comes from being afraid. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in six months. I’m afraid that instead of doing something incredible, I’ll simply keep going, going, going. Not going anywhere, just going. And I guess I’m afraid that somewhere along that road I’ll miss out on all the things God has for me because I’m too busy going and I haven’t stopped to just be. What happened to me?
But there is one more thing. It was a night just like this, about eight months ago that Will and I sat in Emas’ living room out the outskirts of Klaipeda. In the middle-of-nowhere Lithuania. As we stepped outside, there were stars everywhere. They lit up the sky! Looking outside my window on the plane, I was able to spot the Big Dipper and Orion. They never seemed so large! Right on the horizon of the sky.
Sitting on that plane, on the way to visit dear friends, looking at the stars—all of these things reminded me of some amazing memories I’ve built in the last year. On that cold, dark April night, Will and I learned that friendship isn’t something you have—it’s something you do. To be a friend means to make sacrifices and not allowing things like distance or petty problems get in the way of what’s important. That night with Will and Emas in the middle of nowhere played through my head on the plane.
Another memory played in my head from earlier this school year as a friend and I sat on the bleachers looking at the stars in early September, my mind was brought back to that night in Lithuania. As I was building a new friendship, so my mind was renewing old ones. Now, looking at the stars that fill the sky as we fly above the horizon, I’m reminded that my friendship and relationships with people do not depend on distance or location, but on intentionality and determination. Regardless of what is behind me or before me, the relationships I build are dependent upon the amount of work that I put into them. They will take some work. They will take some apologizing. I will need to do some changing. But the sacrifices and changes I make and pour into these relationships is worth it. I just need to constantly be reminded that it’s not about me.
So what happened to me? Well, I guess I’m realizing that life is only like a highway if I choose it to be that way. I am the one with my foot on the gas pedal. Being here in Chicago, stranded in the airport is one of God’s ways of giving me a flat-tire. It’s alright to slow down. It’s alright to stop. It’s even alright to get out of the car and to have an adventure. For so long I’ve been sitting around waiting for God to show up and do something instead of getting out of my box and knowing that God never stopped doing things. God’s been waiting to work and move in my life, and I’ve been sitting by passively allowing life to fly on past me. What happened to me? I got comfortable.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
